Look, we get it, okay? Whether you want to acknowledge it or not, most everyone above the age of 12 likes being titillated by sex. That titillation can come in a variety of forms: snickering over the phrase “do it” in the middle school cafeteria, skipping straight to the raunchy bits in your mom’s (secret) collection of bodice-rippers, or watching an erotic film or two.
However, if you’re old enough to purchase a ticket to 50 Shades of Grey, that means you’re old enough to make your own choices. You no longer have to sneak peaks at a terribly written romance novel while your mom’s away; you can now buy, read, watch, or pursue any erotic entertainment you wish.
So why, with all the vast options available to you, would you turn to a clichéd and poorly crafted movie based upon an appallingly written book (which in turn was originally an appallingly bad fan-fiction based upon one of the most poorly written book series of this millennia)? 50 Shades of Grey is at best a poorly written fantasy and at worst a horrifying depiction of domestic abuse masquerading as a bastardized version of BDSM.
If you’re looking to test the waters of silver-screen sensuality, don’t waste your money on the simultaneously bland yet abusive world of 50 Shades; try one of the following films instead.
Body Heat (1981)
Come for the sexual relationship, stay for the engrossing neo-noir narrative. Body Heat stars William Hurt and Kathleen Turner in a twisting tale of sex, secrets, murder, and suspense directed by The Empire Strikes Back screenwriter Lawrence Kasdan.
Body Heat follows the affair of Ned (Hurt) and Matty (Turner) and, truly, sex is the premise and glue of the film. The steamy affair sparks all of the action in the story and thus ensures that there is a story to tell. The affair sets the plot in motion, yet if the film were to tone down the sex, Body Heat could still stand on its own as a modern noir thriller. As such, you’re not suffering through stilted dialogue and preposterous plot elements for brief sexual rewards. The captivating story and magnetic performances keep you completely engrossed: the sexual scenes are merely icing on an already delicious cake.
Y Tu Mamá También (2001)
Ladies, forget about Jamie Dornan and the bland, white-bread Hollywood image he represents. Gentlemen, don’t even bother to think of Dakota Johnson. If you’re looking to enjoy a sexy film with unbelievably attractive protagonists, you can’t go wrong with Y Tu Mamá También.
Y Tu Mamá También stars Diego Luna, Gael García Bernal and Maribel Verdú in Alfonso Cuarón’s award-winning coming of age story. The film follows two teenage boys as they take a road trip through Mexico with a beautiful older (20’s) woman. The movie is one part coming of age story, one part road trip movie, and several parts sexual exploration, all set against—and enriched by—the political and economic backdrop of 1999 Mexico.
Like Body Heat, sex is an integral part of Y Tu Mamá, but the non-sexual aspects of the film are no chore to sit through. The film was extremely well received by critics and audiences alike.
There is no coy R rating for Y Tu Mamá También; the film received an unrated release in the United States due to “controversial” sex scenes and open sexual discussions. If you want a film that will light your fire, skip the weak flame of 50 Shades and go straight for Y Tu Mamá También.
Secretary (2002)
If you truly wish to see a film portrayal of a BDSM relationship, there is simply no good reason to choose 50 Shades over the critically acclaimed classic Secretary. Starring Maggie Gyllenhaal and James Spader as the kinky couple, Secretary has reached near cult classic status for its sexy yet non-exploitative portrayal of a BDSM relationship.
While the film does begin with a few of the misleading tropes that give BDSM a bad name—the false idea that all BDSM relationships involve at least one partner with a history of mental illness or anguish, or the misconception that all BDSM relationships reflect an existing power imbalance between participants—it is ultimately a celebration of the freedom and acceptance that dominants and submissives can find together. Lee Holloway (Gyllenhaal) invests in the relationship with Mr. Grey (Spader) with complete consent and in service of her own pleasure and happiness.
And don’t you fret: Secretary is undeniably erotic. BDSM games are on full display and manage to toe the thin line between sensual and exploitative.
Skip the queue for 50 Shades of Grey. Instead, spend a truly enjoyable evening enjoying any of the above hits from the comfort of your own home: all three are available to buy or rent from Amazon Instant Video.