Episode 4? My gosh, we’re hurtling through this season, aren’t we? Think of all that story we’ve covered, like Jon Snow coming back from the dead, The Red Woman revealing her true, flabby form and er… Jon Snow coming back from the dead. It’s so action-packed there hasn’t even been time to think about those approaching White Walkers and their modest little plan to slaughter everyone in Westeros. It’s quite sporting of them to take a backseat while the Stark family systematically regroup and push the narrative in a direction that doesn’t seem to be heading towards utter fucking misery.
Reminding us that the ice zombies are still a thing, episode four opens with a shot of Jon Snow’s anti-White Walker sword, Longclaw, which seems like a solid indication he’ll be using it soon. Judging by the pace this season is currently moving however, it’s more than likely he’ll be utilising it in some sort of rotisserie, while the characters spend several hours debating the cooking time for a crow. Luckily, Sansa and Brienne have finally made it to Castle Black and are nagging Jon to start stabbing people in the face again.
Conversely, in Meereen, Tyrion is trying to stop the head stabbing by negotiating a deal with the Masters. To Grey Worm and Missandei’s disgust, he agrees to allow slavery for seven more years before it’s completely abolished. Seven years seems like an awfully long time to me, especially in Game of Thrones where there’s a year gap between each season.
Meanwhile, Jorah Mormont and Daario Naharis are still on a mission to rescue Daenerys from Kavos. She’s sick of all the holiday rep-like brutes around her, making crude remarks about her pubic hair being silver and promising Pass the Parcel-style gangbangs. Someone really should remind them that she likes to play with fire and they all live in straw huts.
In another tenuous link, we come to King’s Landing, where everyone’s favourite incestuous couple, Cersei and Jaime, are devising a plan to overthrow the High Sparrow. Teaming up with the Small Council, they agree that preventing a naked walk of shame for Queen Margaery would do wonders for her image, so they propose a siege. Yes, there’s an awful lot of plotting going on this week.
And we can’t talk about scheming without mentioning Little Finger, who finally makes an appearance in season 6. The smarmy runt still has his sights set on Sansa and intends to use the Lord of the Vale’s (that kid with an unhealthy attachment to his mother’s teat) men to storm Winterfell. He’s likely to bump into the redheaded Stark, too, since she’s planning to return with Jon Snow and a couple of wild things. I mean Wildlings! They’ve just received a colourful letter from Ramsay, detailing the ways in which he’ll make hats out of their innards and reinsert Sansa. Such a romantic.
After a scene like that, there’s only one thing that can lift our spirits: Daenerys’s flame retardant tits. The Mother of Dragons finally loses her rag with the cast of The Scorpion King and decides to burn them all alive. In almost identical fashion to Khal Drogo’s funeral, she emerges from the fire, completely billy bollocks, prompting the villagers to bow before her. As they marvel at the majesty of her scorching body, two peasants settle a bet concerning the colour of her pubes.