I don’t know about you but I sometimes have to remind myself that there are three massive dragons and an army of ice zombies in this show. I understand they have to justify it being called “Game of Thrones” as opposed to “A Song of Ice and Fire”, but all the politics and exposition seems quite irrelevant when there are fire-breathing behemoths floating about.


After having her stomach pierced like the lid of a microwavable cannelloni, Arya is now being treated by Lady Crane, a woman the show seems intent on depicting as an amazing actress, but an even better nurse. She makes shit soup, though, and the penalty for that is death by faceless diminutive lesbian.

Cut to the most entertaining scene of the episode: The Hound brutalising members of the Brotherhood and, in one instance, brutalising a bloke’s member.

“Fuck you!” the chap cries as his giblets splatter on the floor in a watery mess.

“Those are your last words? Fuck you?” replies The Hound.

“… Cunt!”

“You’re shit at dying, you know that?”

Continuing the theme of humans being as easy to dismember as tear ‘n’ share garlic bread, The Mountain protects Cersei by ripping off a Sparrow’s head. The way his skull and spine whips out of his body is reminiscent of the Predator films, but this killer doesn’t feel the need to roar about it. You know, despite her initial sociopathic behaviour, I quite like seeing Cersei get these little wins. She might be becoming my favourite character. Typically then, her life is now in danger. King Tommen, the shit, has outlawed trials by combat, announcing she’ll be tried by the Septons instead. This might also rule out a Hound and Mountain faceoff à la Kane and The Undertaker, but with more eye popping.

Meanwhile, Brienne of Tarth is failing to convince the Blackfish to send all of his men to a certain death. Jon and Sansa need them for their army but they’re too busy letting Jaime and his soldiers into the Riverrun castle. As a result, Blackfish dies rather feebly off-screen. We then witness a strange exchange between Jaime and Brienne as she escapes down the river, softly waving at each other like lovers torn apart because one of them is buggering their own sister.

Then it’s off to Meereen, where Tyrion is teaching Grey Worm and Missandei how to be more human, primarily by plying them with wine. It’s clearly very strong, since it soon prompts the building to start shaking. Actually, that might have been the Masters armada attacking them from sea. Not to worry, though, as fair-weather ruler Daenerys returns with almost comical timing and the facial expression of a wife unimpressed by her husband’s DIY attempt.

What is impressive is the stitching job Lady Crane did on Arya’s stomach. She’s able to endure a Jason Bourne-esque chase scene, jumping and rolling like she hasn’t just had her abdomen ventilated. Suffice to say, she ends the diminutive lesbian. Her face now rests in the hall alongside Sean Bean, Joffrey and Barry Chuckle.